To celebrate the new season of NBC's Heroes, my friend Mark deGuzman and I began analyzing history books and tabloids, trying to find the evolved humans among us. We were especially encouraged when a Heroes graphic novel included Benjamin Franklin, who had the power of electrical absorption. Here is our list of suspected evolved humans:
Harriet Tubman
Former slave and Underground Railroad conductor
Abilitie(s): Super speed and/or invisibility
How else could this amazing woman manage to transport hundreds of slaves undetected? Although most evolved humans so far have been shown to only have one natural power, "Moses," as they called her, may have had either or both of these abilities.
Genghis Khan
Mongol founder and emperor
Abilitie(s): Mass impregnation
A British man named Tom Robinson was told that he was a direct descendant of the ruler and many, many, many kings have claimed to be descended from him as well. Genghis Khan didn't just invade when he took over a land, he would actually repopulate the land with little G. Khans. Talk about dominant genes.
Leonardo daVinci
Artist, inventor, military strategist, anatomist, everything
Abilitie(s): Intuitive aptitude
daVinci definitely could've been the Sylar of his day. He could understand things that didn't even exist yet! This would explain his keen knowledge of and expertise in multiple fields. He was definitely a Renaissance man.
Michelangelo
Artist, architect, engineer
Abilitie(s): Intuitive attitude
Maybe he was angry that he wasn't good at as many things as Leo was. Or he was just angry. Michelangelo wanted to concentrate on sculpting and was furious when Pope Julius II told him to go paint the Sistine Chapel's ceiling. He was melancholy, arrogant and had a ridiculous temper. But who can blame a man who was caned in the street by a pope?
Michael Jackson
Musician
Abiltie(s): Appearance alteration
He's just not very good at it. MJ has changed his look several times, and by look, we mainly mean his nose. He has also managed to change ethnicities and reinvent himself fashion-wise over his long career.
Chuck Norris
Martial artist and actor
Abiltie(s): Empathic mimicry
Because the character who can take other characters' powers is always the best. (Like Peter Petrelli.) And considering he trained with Bruce Lee, he has had some awesome people to empathize with. Thanks to his mimicry, Chuck has multiple powers including the power to divide by zero, slam a revolving door, and not read books, but stare them down until he gets the information he wants.
Sean Combs
Rapper, actor, entrepreneur, producer, and more
Abiltie(s): Name shifting
Besides being able to have six or seven occupations at once, this man can also have multiple names at once. Puff Daddy? Puffy? P. Diddy? Diddy? Duddy? No one knows who this guy will be next!
Amy Winehouse
Singer-songwriter
Abiltie(s): Rapid self-degeneration
No one has used alcohol, cigarettes, and crack cocaine quite like Amy. That is, no one has used them in combination with heroin, ecstasy, ketamine, self-harm, depression, eating disorders and soulful singing ... the ability she really needs to stick to.
Amelia Earhart
Aviator
Abiltie(s): Access to parallel dimension or space-time manipulation
If Amelia had these abilities, that could account for her disappearance. Perhaps she went to an alternate universe where people can fly? Or perhaps she traveled to some time in the future? Past? Well, wherever she disappeared to, she may have come back to us in the form of Jet Man.
Heidi Montag
Reality television personality, aspiring person-with-another-occupation
Abiltie(s): None
Self-explanatory.
Barbara Walters
Journalist, writer
Abiltie(s): Lacrimal manipulation
Everyone cries when Barbara interviews them and that's no coincidence. The only person who can possibly resist Barbara's powers might be Rosie O'Donnell because she's a psychopath. Or because she no longer has a heart.
PETA
Animal lovers, crazy people
Abiltie(s): Superior delusion and lack of compassion for humans
They call themselves The Organization. While animals don't deserve abuse, they don't deserve the attention PETA gives them. These people actually thought Ben & Jerry's might come out with breast milk ice cream. Then again, this is the same group that compared chickens dying to the Holocaust and complained that a donkey was used in warfare without protesting the loss of human life.
David Blaine
Magician and endurance artist
Abiltie(s): Intuitive disappointment
All this guy does is do boring things for long periods of time and finds new and interesting ways to use the bathroom in public. And then when he does something almost exciting like a "dive of death," it ends up being the "bungee hop of death." Thanks for the entertainment, Dave.
John McCain
Senator, presidential candidate
Abiltie(s): Immortality or superior durability
There's got to be a reason this guy has lived so long. And no, I'm not saying that just because he's old. He endured five and a half years being tortured as a prisoner of war in Viet Nam. The knowledge that he will never die probably helped him make his vice presidential decision.
Barack Obama
Senator, presidential candidate
Abiltie(s): Change
We're not sure what kind of power he has, if any. But this is the one he advertises. Perhaps he isn't an evolved human at all. He's just ... some guy.
Sarah Palin
Governor, vice presidential candidate
Abiltie(s): Media magnetism, cryogenesis, telescopic vision and/or light manipulation
We have not yet identified what exactly Governor Palin's abilities are or how many of them she has. She has clearly demonstrated media magnetism, but the other abilities may have been expressed while she was out of the spotlight and governing Alaska. Her cryogenesis has been largely responsible for maintaining Alaska's snowy grounds, her light manipulation for aurora borealis, and her telescopic vision to see Russia from her house. On a side note, while the governor is quite adept at creating ice, she is not in fact responsible for the creation of Hillary Clinton.
Joe Bidden? Biden?
Who?
During our discussions, Mark actually spelled Biden's name wrong when he suggested that he had the power of "Who?" Proves a point. But perhaps this is simply Biden's demonstration of one of the coolest abilities an evolved human can have ... invisibility.
No comments:
Post a Comment